• Grab a plastic bag, wrap it around your finger, stick it up your brown starfish and give him a Hitler. This is best performed when he is asleep. When he wakes up in the morning he'll be smelling crap and wondering what the source is!
• If you can beat up your "friend", give him the old Yokozuna.. When he is dozing watching the Detroit Lions lose yet another match, yank down your drawers and jump on his nose -- bare assed. Just be prepared to run for your life when he gets out from under your ass.
• To payback he and his mom, give him an Upperdecker.. This feat, also known as Soft Serve, Top Loader and Top-Decker, can put you on the legendary status amongst your friends. Just Drop Trow and drop a deuce in the water tank of his toilet.

This would be the first time (in recorded history, mind you) that someone outside of Texas is going for Texas Hot Plate. Think of it, because of TurdWords, this twisted act is now going on an international scale. Are you sure you are ready for that step in your relationship? Think of the fame and fortune!

With the help of Trisha Trou, our relationship expert and author of "Hot Turds: How to Use Them in a Loving Relationship" we'll get you from back seat smooching to the ultimate Texas Hot Plate in no time flat.

• We assume you've already been intimate. Your next step is to progress to the regular 69, then perhaps the 6.9. "This shows you are mature enough to handle sticky situations in the bedroom," says Trisha.
• Once that becomes old hat, try getting a blumpkin. This gets into the heavier stuff, just be sure to flush first before getting the sex (at least the first couple of times). "If you do get to this stage, you are doing pretty well and you know that your girl is into new things," quips Trisha. Give yourself a pat on the back!
• "If you've gotten this far, go for a Cleveland Steamer," recommends Trisha. "It is close enough to the Texas Hot Plate but not quite there. Next time you are getting it, drop a brown log on her breasts. If she freaks, say it was an accident (chances are she won't if you've done the previous step)."

  If you've got cast iron balls, go for the Cleveland Steamroller. "This shows you aren't afraid to get dirty and want to share the experience, which ultimately will bring you closer together," explains Trisha.

  (Be sure to film your deviances and post it on the internet. This seems to be only way to make money on the internet these days...)

• Once you've done the Cleveland Steamer, you are now ready for a Texas Hot Plate. "Some people are intimidated by it," explains Trisha, "remember to be gentle, turn on some soothing music, light a few candles, and use liberal amounts of alcohol. Also don't forget to be prepared for messes -- rags and a rubber mat are prerequisites."

  If you are planning on keeping your girlfriend, we recommend using saran wrap, however there is some dispute as to whether this is truly a Texas Hot Plate, but none the less, use it -- remember you are going to have to eventually kiss where you sow.

  "Following these steps, will certainly get you from heavy petting to the ultimate International Texas Hot Plate," says Trisha. Before you know it, you'll be screaming this during your sexcapades: Yee Haw.