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Ask Turdwords Volume 7 Ask Turdwords Volume 7  View all volumes
I promised you all that I would finish answering your questions, so here I am, bright and early at 7:30 on a fine Sunday morning, wearing a Burger King crown, my glasses, sweats and surfing ebay... not a pretty site.

Either way, tons of work and questions to take care of, enjoy this week's issue. As usual, feel free to ask us any question you want at: Ask Turdwords or see the list of previous Turdwords questions at Previous Listings

Now on with the show.

There's this chick who i really like and I don't know what I should do to get her to go out with me. Any interesting ideas?
sLiCk-sHiTz, Ho-Land PA
Ah, the joys of dating and does she like me or does she not? I remember those days so fondly -- NOT. They suck and as soon as you get it over with, the better, in my opinion. Either way, you need help in the art of picking up chicks. Here are Turdwords' suggestions:

  • Lose the flab. If you are walking around with Man Boobs that are bigger than hers, the only thing you are going to be doing on Saturday nights is Burping the worm at your Masturbation Station. Also check out your wardrobe. Perhaps you need an ass-kicking Turdwords t-shirt that announces to the world that you enjoy Oregon Lumberjacks.
  • Do things that interest your would-be-girlfriend. No, I am not talking about shopping at the Gap, donning rollerblades or watching reruns of the Bachelorette. That would make you a Gaybo. I am talking about being finding out what interests her and just happening to be at the same place she frequents.
  • You are going to need some balls, like the ones you used to use to make Applause from the Back Row with your ex-girlfriend. Ask her out or just talk to her to see if there's any sort of connection. No guts no glory and if you go down in flames, you wouldn't be the first.
  • You are going to need something to talk about. If you are a turdwords regular, we know what you want. So I took the liberty write some poetry that will definitely sweep her off her feet.

    Ready -- memorize this and you'll be Bumping Uglies by nightfall:

    There once was a man with a lonely heart
    It hurt so bad, he could not poo or fart.
    He walked the world over,
    from Los Angeles to Dover.
    In search of his true lover
    For jacking it with a fur covered glove
    was a sad and depressing affair.
    Until one day he met someone like you
    and he knew his hopes and dreams would come true
    and so he said, quite urgently
    "Honey, show me your Fun Bags and some skin
    and give me a raging Blumpkin."

my girlfriend wont let me felch her not even with a straw what can I do to help change her mind ?
Steve Cambridge
Another advanced deviant in search of help comes to Turdwords. Ah, word is getting around. For those not in the know, be sure to check the definition of felch, as Steve wants to be a felcher and his girlfriend wants to be a felchee. Not all chicks are into this, which is surprising, since you are cleaning up your manfat. There are no after drips or spooge stained undies to worry about.

Steve, my suggestion is that this could be a relationship killer Show her the following:

  • A recent girly mag reported that 75% of couples who felch, have had relationships that lasted more than 3 months.
  • Also, a recent (and very dubious) study, indicates that felching may actually reduce the risk of pregnancy -- no shit!
  • Gonad glue provides vitamins and minerals, as well as muscle-building protein.

Finally, if your girlfriend is still uncomfortable, be sure you use a coffee stirrer. These are easily inserted and used rather than the mega-straws you find in most fastfood restaurants.

What is the difference between the "anus" area and the "asshole" area? I am under the impression that they are the same. Fuck off Kelly
Johnny Minnesota
Howdy, Jonny... seen any good Minnesota Popsicles lately? Just kidding.

First off, I checked with Dr. Rubbit Hard, a proctologist at the acclaimed Ben Dover Hospital for the Constipated as to the difference of Anus and Asshole and here's his response:

Medically speaking, there is difference. Both refer to the posterior's opening where fecal matter is emitted. The anus is the more polite usage, where as asshole tends to be derogatory. In short, there is no difference.

So there it is Jonny, you now know there are two different words with the same meaning (go figure) for your ass cavity.

Who's Kelly? Is she hot? Is she a MILF? Or is it a chick with a dick? Or is your woman in need of a Alabama Hand Warmer?

You see, I am a flaming homosexual and I like to suck dick for cocaine. My question is if you could send a guy over here to give me the abraham lincoln?
A.S., missouri
Sorry, we don't arrange Abraham Lincolns. I guess you must be tired of the line up of Peter Puffers waiting for action in your Stinkin' Lincoln.

That's it for me this week. Have a fantastic week and keep the questions coming.


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