Either way, tons of work and questions to take care of, enjoy this week's issue. As usual, feel free to ask us any question you want at: Ask Turdwords or see the list of previous Turdwords questions at Previous Listings

Now on with the show.

• Lose the flab. If you are walking around with Man Boobs that are bigger than hers, the only thing you are going to be doing on Saturday nights is Burping the worm at your Masturbation Station. Also check out your wardrobe. Perhaps you need an ass-kicking Turdwords t-shirt that announces to the world that you enjoy Oregon Lumberjacks.
• Do things that interest your would-be-girlfriend. No, I am not talking about shopping at the Gap, donning rollerblades or watching reruns of the Bachelorette. That would make you a Gaybo. I am talking about being finding out what interests her and just happening to be at the same place she frequents.
• You are going to need some balls, like the ones you used to use to make Applause from the Back Row with your ex-girlfriend. Ask her out or just talk to her to see if there's any sort of connection. No guts no glory and if you go down in flames, you wouldn't be the first.
• You are going to need something to talk about. If you are a turdwords regular, we know what you want. So I took the liberty write some poetry that will definitely sweep her off her feet.

  Ready -- memorize this and you'll be Bumping Uglies by nightfall:

  There once was a man with a lonely heart
  It hurt so bad, he could not poo or fart.
  He walked the world over,
  from Los Angeles to Dover.
  In search of his true lover
  For jacking it with a fur covered glove
  was a sad and depressing affair.
  Until one day he met someone like you
  and he knew his hopes and dreams would come true
  and so he said, quite urgently
  "Honey, show me your Fun Bags and some skin
  and give me a raging Blumpkin."

Steve, my suggestion is that this could be a relationship killer Show her the following:

• A recent girly mag reported that 75% of couples who felch, have had relationships that lasted more than 3 months.
• Also, a recent (and very dubious) study, indicates that felching may actually reduce the risk of pregnancy -- no shit!
• Gonad glue provides vitamins and minerals, as well as muscle-building protein.

Finally, if your girlfriend is still uncomfortable, be sure you use a coffee stirrer. These are easily inserted and used rather than the mega-straws you find in most fastfood restaurants.

First off, I checked with Dr. Rubbit Hard, a proctologist at the acclaimed Ben Dover Hospital for the Constipated as to the difference of Anus and Asshole and here's his response:

Medically speaking, there is difference. Both refer to the posterior's opening where fecal matter is emitted. The anus is the more polite usage, where as asshole tends to be derogatory. In short, there is no difference.

So there it is Jonny, you now know there are two different words with the same meaning (go figure) for your ass cavity.

Who's Kelly? Is she hot? Is she a MILF? Or is it a chick with a dick? Or is your woman in need of a Alabama Hand Warmer?

That's it for me this week. Have a fantastic week and keep the questions coming.

-Eddie